Wait for the wheel (II): Reconnect to logos

“Suffer me, O my God, to draw nigh unto Thee, and to abide within the precincts of Thy court, for remoteness from Thee hath well-nigh consumed me.  Cause me to rest under the shadow of the wings of Thy grace, for the flame of my separation from Thee hath melted my heart within me.” — Baha’u’llah

“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” — Marcus Aurelius

I am not only tired from the things that have happened to me since coming to Europe, but I am also tired of my responses to them.  Yes, much of what happened was severe, but I added to the difficulties with my own overreactions.  I have lost touch with my inner logos in a private frenzy of neuroticism, hypervigilance, and obsessions with personal adequacy.  It is time to reconnect with who I really want to be.

My friend Alex said that in the end we are all striving to “pay attention but pointlessly”, to remain optimistically vulnerable to life yet without expectations, perhaps even without hope.  It’s a paradox, of course, and not only on the level of hoping without hope, but on the level of ontology itself, for it is as much the nature of being to strive as to simply be.

But the art comes in knowing when to do which, and I know that right now I must simply be, to cease fearing my fears and un-feeling my feelings while also permitting myself to rest, momentarily severed from expectations.  It is not always enough to wait for the wheel; sometimes you must simply cease waiting and just ride.


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